Bathroom Rule # 13: Don't Look at My Ying Yang

Bathroom Rule # 13: Don't Look at my Ying Yang (AKA Keep your chins up, gentlemen)

If you just have no choice but to use the urinal next to another man when there is no divider, keep your eyes above your shoulder level and forward while you pee. The last thing I want to catch while I am relieving myself is to look over and see your eyes glanced down in the direction of my family jewels. It's not that hard to look straight forward or up. And you DON'T need to keep an eye on yourself. If you are a human being you can feel when you are done. A simple quick glance as you step up to the place to make sure you are aiming on target will suffice, but then get that chin up fool!

Bathroom Rule #20: No Championship Trophies

Bathroom Rule #20: No Championship Trophies Allowed

There is a photograph running around on the internets of Mark Cuban taking the Dallas Maverick championship trophy into the bathroom while he peed. Not sure what you do with a championship trophy when you have to use the bathroom, but you certainly don't take it with you. Other people touch, caress and kiss it - so it doesn't need you damn germs!

In no situation is it OKAY to take your Championship into the bathroom and hold onto it with one hand while draining the weasel with the other...EVEN when you are ridiculously rich and awesome. Sorry Mark - that's a rule.

Bathroom Rule # 10: Laptops Aren't For Toilets

Bathroom Rule # 10: Laptops Aren't For Toilets

Please refrain from bringing your laptop computers into the bathroom stall with you. Whatever your "important" work might be, it can wait for you while you drop a deuce. Do you really want to get the other people poop germs that are hidden all over the stall on the computer that you touch constantly on a daily basis...while you eat lunch at your desk...or rub your eyes to stay awake? Trust me...you don't.

Leave the laptops on your desk. Poop in peace.

Bathroom Rule #16: The Roll is Not For Wiping

Rule #16: Don't Wipe with the Roll

No matter how out of toilet paper your stall is, in almost no circumstance is it acceptable to wipe using the empty cardboard toilet paper roll. Not only is it bad for your butt, it's also conducive to picking up and absorbing all the germs that are floating around in that bathroom stall.

Don't wipe with it. Use it for a bong or to build a cheap toy light saber, but don't wipe with it.

Bathroom Rule #4: No Masturbation

Rule #4: Don't Masturbate in the Public Restroom

Nothing is right about pleasuring yourself in a public restroom. Not only is it effing weird, but I think it can also spread diseases. Clearly falling at Rule #4, in NO situation is it okay to masturbate in or out of a stall in a public restroom. It's bad enough that we have to hear sounds of bathroom goings on, but to add flapping or squishing of taking care of yourself is unacceptable.

Leave the diddling for your home.